Making myself a priority

Epiphany of the Week of September 15, 2015

I’ve never been one to wait to be chosen. When I played leagues in tennis, I decided to be captain so I would always be on a team. I would be the one to do the choosing. Same for groups. I started all the groups and picked who I wanted to play with. I wasn’t going to leave it up to the generosity of others. I would make things happen for myself.

For some reason–well, I guess I know the reason. Good ol’ Freudian repetition compulsion. Because I was used to feeling like a low priority, I did everything I could to give people what they wanted so they would pick me. I so wanted to be someone’s priority, after all the work I had done to make them feel better. To give them what they needed.

And then one day, shortly after hip replacement surgery, when epiphanies were smacking me in the face left and right, I realized I needed to approach relationships the same way I had approached tennis. I would make myself a priority. And in doing so, whatever other people chose had little to do with me. Because I had confidence that I could give myself what I needed. After all, hadn’t I done it for all those other people? I am the most reliable person I know.