Saying no is self-care

In my post on self-care I left an important step out: setting boundaries.

Because masking, A.K.A. faking or fawning, is a neurospicy characteristic, and masking leads to meltdowns and crashing and burning, it’s important to learn how to say no. Even though it will be agonizingly painful and against your nature to do so. It is important that you save your psychological energy. Here are some examples of boundaries I’ve had to set to prevent crashing and burning.

1. limit contact with parents
2. stop taking new clients
3. end toxic relationships
4. quit my job
5. move to Tennessee

These were all very hard steps that took many instances of going back and forth between yes and no. I have been practicing saying no for a long time, but I still struggle. Here are some tips that I use and teach that may help you, too.

1. Have a 24 hour rule. Even if you know you’re going to say yes to something, tell the person that you have to check your schedule. During this 24 hours, think about what you’ll have to give up to make room for this new thing that you want to take on. Otherwise, you’ll compromise your bandwidth.
2. Beware of projections. Projection is when someone has unacknowledged feelings that they accuse you of feeling. In doing so, they make you embody their feelings. When someone blames you through gaslighting, don’t accept the blame for their behavior.
3. Say it unambiguously. Especially when you’re dealing with people with narcissistic traits. These are also the people who are usually doing the projecting. If you sound hesitant in your no, they know that if they keep pushing, they can turn it into a yes.
4. Make your boundaries public. As a preemptive strike, tell people what your limits are up front, before they even make a request. For example, in my old job, working lunches were common. I had to use this time to rest and recover to get through the rest of the day. People talked about me, which was hard as a people pleaser, but it was necessary for me to be by myself during lunch.

Remember that, like everything else, setting boundaries is a mindfulness practice. You will successfully say no one minute and then give in and say yes the next. This is normal. It’s what it means to be human. All you have to do is set the intention to say no again. And again. And again.