How comparison hurts you

Today I saw a client who is experiencing rejection because friend is avoiding her and she doesn’t know why. In describing the situation, she made a passing comment about her friend going through a bad breakup. Later in the session, I asked her if she thought that perhaps her friend was having a hard time with her engagement status.

After exploring this possibility in detail, she thought this was the case. She actually had reactions to having friends get engaged when she was still in “girlfriend” status several years ago. This realization helped her to feel less hated and to feel more compassion for her friend. Although she still wants some distance from her, she has an unlocked door policy if her friend were to seek reconnection.

Thoughts and feelings about comparison are inevitable and usually unpleasant. However, you can change your mindset by examining how Anxiety, the Drill Sergeant, and the Inner Critic interpret comparison.

Look who’s talking

1. Anxiety: What if I’m not good enough? We are constantly comparing ourselves to others, our former selves, or some ideal standard. Not being good enough is a problem because it could lead to rejection. In the above example, even my client, was the standard of comparison, yet she was the one who felt like her friend hated her. Thus, in the end, both parties felt rejected and felt that they weren’t good enough.
2. The Drill Sergeant: You Should Be Better. You should be the bigger person. Just get over it. Stop feeling sad/angry/anxious. The Drill Sergeant tries to shame us into moving on. Whenever we experience shame, the two most common responses are to avoid (e.g., the other person in this case) or to act out (e.g., bad mouthing someone). Thus, shame leads to disconnection, which deepens our experience of rejection.
3. The Inner Critic: You Suck Because You Aren’t Perfect. The Inner Critic, backs up the Drill Sergeant. Yeah, you’re a loser because you can’t be better. Who would want to be friends with you? No wonder she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. Thus, the Inner Critic deepens our feelings of shame and unworthiness. Being in this state leads us further down the road of isolation.

Compassion can help

The best way to counter comparison is with compassion. To practice compassion, take these 3 steps.

1. First, we can have compassion for ourselves for our experience of being imperfect and our assumption that imperfection makes us unlovable. We are meant to live in connection with others, so feeling disconnected is painful. Validating and acknowledging our feelings, rather than trying to push them away, can help us move forward in the letting go process.
2. Next, it’s important to have compassion for the other person. Remember, it’s possible to have compassion without forgiveness if the person has hurt you and doesn’t intend to change. But it still helps to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand why they may be acting the way they are. Perhaps they are having difficulty with self-compassion. Or maybe they are not self-aware and do not realize they are being triggered. Their inner voices may be doing all the talking.
3. Finally, find a way to reconnect with yourself, with others, and/or with something greater than yourself that can help you have perspective. One way of reconnecting is to remember our common humanity: we all want to be perfect, but alas, that cannot happen. So instead, we can practice self-compassion, forgive ourselves for all our flaws, and radically accept everything abut ourselves exactly as we are.

Although comparisons may be inevitable, we don’t have to stay in a dysregulated state. Just remember to look who’s talking and send some compassion to find your way back to self-acceptance.