Even if it were possible to practice self-care perfectly, which it is not, because as human beings we are imperfect, we are still bound to get dysregulated–e.g., thrown off our game, go into fight/flight/freeze/fake mode, have something unexpected happen, etc. And it doesn’t take much for neurospicy people to become dysregulated.
For example, I spill or drop something every day, in part because of my difficulties with proprioception (judging my body in space), as well as something to do with menopause, as it has gotten much worse once I crossed over to being officially old.
When I’m dysregulated because I haven’t slept enough, or I’m rushing, which is every day, I drop and spill things even more. And the spilling especially will cause me to become even more dysregulated. Because then I have to clean up whatever I’ve spilled and get another drink. And if I had already been in a hurry, now I’m downright late. And I don’t like to be late.
So dysregulation is a state of emergency. According to Van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, during an emergency, our right hemisphere becomes overactive and all of our senses are heightened. If you’ve had trauma, you become triggered. This response can be so extreme that you can experience flashbacks.
In addition, our left hemisphere, or our thinking brain, goes offline. Which means we don’t have access to our memories, our capacity to reason, problem-solve, or to put things in perspective.
From an evolutionary perspective, this is because if we had to wait until our thinking brain got involved in an emergency, we’re more likely to die. Hence, the fight/flight/freeze/fake response–our threat response system.
If self-care is disaster preparedness, then self-soothing is emergency responsiveness. Sound the alarm! Call the fire department! We need help over here!
But there is no psychological firefighter to call. Unless you have a therapist. If you don’t, you’re in luck, because I’m a therapist! And I’m going to teach you how to self-soothe.
Recall the list of things you need to self-soothe from Change is Always Possible, Part 2:
- something that engages all 5 senses
- sight: e.g., something pretty
- smell: e.g., aromatherapy
- sound: e.g., a playlist
- touch: e.g., a hug
- taste: e.g., a treat
We can now use this list to create our own personal psychological emergency tool kit.
In fact, I was so dysregulated this weekend after playing this guy that I put together a self-soothing kit after the tennis match. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I stayed at the club an extra hour to self-soothe by stretching, looking at social media, and putting together a tool kit. So self-soothing has become automatic for me now because of neuroplasticity.
I actually ordered 2 kits—one for home and one for my car. Just like you might have a first aid kit at home and in your vehicle. Here’s what my kit includes:
- A crystal angel and a black obsidian cat for something pretty. An angel is a messenger from God for me. Obsidian is a gemstone that helps to ellicit protection, grounding, and tranquility.
2. A mini aromatherapy kit that includes:
- eucalyptus for clarity, focus, and invigoration
- tea tree for joy and trust
- orange for excitement, enthusiasm, and warmth
- lemongrass for freshness, calm, and alertness
- lavender for serenity and calmness
- peppermint for alertness
3. playlists on my phone that are
- dance songs
- fight songs
- good for Karaoke
- relaxing
- sad
4. for touch
- hand warmers because soothing touch is warm and/or soft
- mini lotions
5. chocolates and candy for tasty bite-sized treats
6. A pretty wooden box to hold my tools
It’s also a good idea to have written instructions for what the scents are for, where your playlists are, where your visual items are if they are on your phone, or anything else that you won’t be able to think of when you’re dysregulated.
I always tell clients to put a self-soothing tool kit together, so I figured I better practice what I preach. And I have to admit, I’m excited about the next time I get dysregulated and get to play with it!
Which, in all honesty, will probably be later today.
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